My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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