i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
