My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
