I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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