I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
