OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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