just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We left the knife in your bed.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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