It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
