dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I would ride that face into the sunset
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
