I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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