You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
