Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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