Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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