Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
