Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
