dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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