If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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