Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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