I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
