I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
