***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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