when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
