my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
