The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
