Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
