yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize