this boner is exhausting
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
