i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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