Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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