This is not my ceiling
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
