I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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