Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
