dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
