oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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