Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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