I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
