he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize