cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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