I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
