My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize