just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
