Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
