There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
