I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
