hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
