when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
