it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
