So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
