even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
