You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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