Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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