I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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