I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You have to summon your inner elephant
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
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