You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
