and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize