Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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