Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
