It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
i think i have two assholes
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
