I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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