I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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