I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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