So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize