I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
