11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
